Thursday, January 04, 2007

Life in the old and new years

So, I've been... thinking. Yes, I know that it's probably dangerous, but it's who I am.
Many things have changed since this time last year. I'm finally in the accelerated master's program; which bring along its own set of problems and headaches. But more important then that is that I've started discovering who I am and what I really believe. If you've followed my blog you'll see some of that journey. It's been long, but finally the internal conflict I was in has ended. My "superconscious", "ego" or "id" (depending upon the psychology term you prefer) had for long attempted to mold into the desire of my parents and my upbringing to believe in the Bible. But deep down my sub-conscious, (or whatever else you want to call it) rejected it for basic logical reasons. Understanding that, and realizing that I would never be able to reconcile what the Bible taught with what I had observed in the universe I was able to settle the internal conflict that had, at times, nearly driven me mad.
I am no longer the same person; all the peace, and joy that I was supposed to have felt as a Christian, I have found in understanding that I am agnostic/aethistic. The future is full of hope and promise. Sometimes life still sucks, but I now know that it is possible to make it better rather then sitting back waiting for "god" to make it better.
But, now I have another problem. I spent 4 years actively looking to understand the conflict within myself... Not even really knowing that that is what I was doing till I had done it. And now I have the problem that I'm sure effects people of just about any age, loneliness. No longer am I attempting to find the love of some "Supreme Deity" but I am now whole, the two halves of my "being" reunited I see the world with new and clearer eyes. But I still long for someone to love. I plan on living for a very long time, I also plan on making that ability to live for a long time available to anyone. Forever, is a long time to live without someone to love. At 26, almost 27 I already feel the weight of that absence every day. I can't imagine how it will be when I'm 1500 years old.
My personality doesn't lend itself to light and transient relationships. Part of it is probably due to my own code of... whatever you want to call it. Ethics? Being? Conduct? Honor?.. I have this way that I think my life should work.. Having 35 girlfriends, using one and throwing her out for the next isn't who I am... But I haven't met anyone that I feel I really click with and would want to wake up next to 1500 years from now. How does one enter a relationship to start with, and how does one find... "love"?? This is a mystery that has long eluded me and for once I am speaking about it, and how it puzzles me. I am a student, yet I cannot seem to learn the answer to this. And some days I wonder if I ever will.

The new year means many things for many people. For me it is a chance to learn more about myself and the universe around me. To make a mark on the world and, in some small way, craft it towards the vision I have for the future. It is another year that, unless something changes, I will spend alone.
I hang out with friends and have a good time; but it is not who I am. Deep inside as much as I enjoy a party I would much rather sit and discuss some deep intellectual problem, or play a thinking game with a few close friends. I find more fulfillment in hanging out with a bunch of chemistry geeks (classmates) who enjoy crafting plays on words, or discussing religion, politics or any number of intellectual pursuits then I enjoy a night full of drinking and other activities.
Maybe when I write next year I'll have found more of an answer to why the world seems lonely for me. Wish me luck as I make my own.